my ticker is a little confusing. yesterday and today it says 17 weeks 6 days. i don’t know if it’s set to the wrong time zone or what. but i’m just saying i’m 18 weeks today. can you believe it?!

i find out june 1 “who” baby bless is. i have to admit i’m nervous about it. everyone knows this will be our last child, and everyone knows how much jerry and i would like to have a daughter, and the boys would like a baby sister. please pray for our attitudes. sigh.

we are going to be getting photopost for life-scrappers. i cannot WAIT. the gallery we use now is just a big pain and i think it deters people more than invites them. we are also looking into other store carts, to see what we can use besides zencart. i might end up sticking with it, but it doesn’t hurt looking, right?

speaking of scrapbooking places, i spent most of NSD weekend at digital candy, a wonderful community with lots of fun…and i found out yesterday they are going to close on the 15th. i’m so sad about this! there are some wonderful designers there and everyone is so sweet and so much fun. for any designers who might stop by here, if you’re interested, life-scrappers has a DT call running right now. for any DC ct members who will be looking for something to do, we have a CT call running as well! if you think life-scrappers would be a good fit for you, we’d love to have you join us!

for those of you who i’m friends with on FB, you may or not have heard about the fanpage i set up. it’s just to help get us noticed more, and also it will share when we are having sales or freebies and such, just like a friends status does. kinda cool, huh?  i also made up a short article-type thing about digiscrapping, for those of you who have no idea what i’m talking about. i posted my NSD layouts on facebook and people were curious about it.

well i was feeling better for a while. not good, but better than i was. then this past sunday something hit me hard and i was back to square one it seemed. i’m feeling a bit better right now, but i’m still not doing as well as i was. sigh. i thought maybe i had strep again, but the culture was negative. who knows what virus i have clinging to me now. please continue to pray for us!

i really need to get a video of jamin just talking - he is so cute. i was looking through old videos of the big boys and feeling guilty that i rarely video jamin. actually i rarely video at all much lately just because i feel horrible. hoping to feel more normal and motherly soon.

speaking of motherly, i hope everyone has a wonderful mothers day weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!

love you all.

i am 36 weeks today. wow. you would not beLIEVE how ready i am. i have been so sore (ligaments, muscles, joints) and have been having BH all the time. they are getting stronger too. i am always constipated (TMI) and having the wonderful thing that goes along with that. sometimes i’m starving, other times i have to remind myself to eat. i am moodier than someone with bi-polar. i want to be normal again! the only thing is, the past two times, my post-partum hormones were even worse than my pregnancy hormones! so not a lot to look forward to there…i want to meet jamin so much!

we really don’t have a lot to do…i guess i should wash the tiny things. i don’t have a coming home outfit - i’m not completely sure if SIL will be getting it or not - she bought the big boys’ coming home outfits, so i think she’ll get his too? but i don’t know for sure. my belly is getting so huge! the boys are so sweet talking to jamin all the time…they always want to rub and kiss my belly and talk to him. it’s precious!

but about josiah. the boy is going to send me to the nut house. i honestly do love his energy. i do. but i wish he would LISTEN to me! i can’t really expect a two year old to have what we call “common sense” but sometimes i do expect it, and it drives me nuts.

ok, sunday we went to a new church (it was wonderful btw - more later) and after church, the boys had me chasing them all over the church’s huge yard. i was so tired and couldn’t move anymore so i asked mom to get josiah when he went off again. well, the lady she was talking with wouldn’t stop talking. so he’s over at the side of the church. jeremiah says “josiah ate these berries!” holding some berries up. NO ONE at the church knew what kind of bush it was. we also didn’t know how many he’d eaten. we got the number for poison hotline. they said we needed to find out what kind of bush it was. we had already taken a sample branch and some berries, in case we’d need it (at the hospital or whatever). the person on the hotline said to find a nursery. so we went looking for a nursery…we finally found one, and they told us what the bush was (it was a coton easter btw) and we called the poison control back. they said that YES it is poisonous, but you have to eat LOTS of the seeds, crushed, in order to cause any real damage. she said to keep a close eye on him and make sure he doesn’t vomit or get a headache. he seemed his normal self afterwards, so we were very thankful to have beat that hurdle. shew.

i believe it was tuesday when the boys came out front with me, to talk to the next door neighbor little girl. josiah followed her down the sidewalk on her scooter. i told him to come back. he started to, then he turned the other way and ran into the street. i said STOP (which almost always stopped jeremiah in his tracks) and he continued to run from me. here i am 35.5 weeks pregnant, running after my son. i was not fast and it was not fun. he got a spanking when we got home, and he was upset, but obviously he did NOT get the message. just tonight, we went to get the mail, and when i said STOP he ran more. a car came around the corner, and thankfully saw him. if it had been a teenager, ripping around that corner like they always do, josiah might be gone. it is very upsetting and i’m tearing up again just thinking about it. i can’t imagine not having him with me. i don’t know what to do, besides not let him out front unless he is holding our hands at all times. so i’m just not letting him out front at all if i’m alone. i don’t have the strength or energy to chase him if he gets away.

pray with me that jamin will be calmer.

any thoughts when jamin will come? i was thinking late, but now i don’t know…i just feel so ready…

about the new church. it’s in the next town, so we had never considered it. but it’s a nice-sized church (pretty small) with VERY friendly people. i mean, the people are SO NICE. i can’t remember being in a church where EVERYONE i passed said hi to me!! the boys liked it in their classes too. and we got compliments on josiah’s intelligence. (i’m sure we would have from jeremiah’s teacher, but she seemed a bit frazzled to me.) the sermon was really good - nothing in opposition from what we believe. we went back for the sunday night program - they have sunday school at night - and jerry was able to go. and jerry really liked what he saw too. he said he is going to have to go in the mornings, without sleep, and then crash when we get home, and go to church later. he said it will be a sacrifice, but the plan was to get to church. SO. hopefully we have found a church home! i have missed church SOOOO much. please pray for us about it.

well that’s about it for now…i really miss everyone so much! i hope everyone is well.

do you ever have so much in your heart to say that you just can’t make yourself sit down and say it?

i am grieving. i am grieving deeply for a little boy that i never met in person.

i can act like i’m fine, most of the time. i can pretend that i’m ok. but i am teetering. even when taking half a lexapro a day, i feel like i’m going to slip into full-blown depression at any moment.

i know it’s partly because of my pregnancy hormones that i’m taking this so hard. but i also know that’s not all.

when i see josiah, i think of knox. he is only a few months older than knox. when i see jeremiah, i think of jack, knox’s big brother. jack is 12 days older than jeremiah.

i watch them together, and i think of their mom. how could rachel see her two precious sons play together, day in, day out, then all the sudden watch just one son? i feel a stab of guilt. why do i still have both of my precious boys, but she has only one left?

i know it has nothing to do with me. i am not responsible. no one is. i have no right to be angry with God, either. these things happen. it is a sinful world, and these things just happen.

yet i just can’t wrap my head or heart around it. this beautiful, lively, sweet, fun, precious little boy is gone. if i couldn’t hold and snuggle and play with my josiah anymore, what would i do? i am already in despair over someone else’s child’s death. what would i do if it was my child?

and i think i don’t trust God like i thought i did. because i am always worried that something will happen to one of my kids now. i am always thinking one of the boys are going to be badly hurt, or worse, that one of them will die. i am constantly thinking that something will happen to the baby, and i’ll lose him. i keep thinking that if a great, wonderful, loving, trusting mom like rachel can lose her child, then i can too, because i don’t seem to know what to think or do anymore.

i’m scared. i’m scared of how i’m feeling. i don’t want to feel this way. i want to be able to let go. but i also want to be able to pray for rachel and her family all the time. if i let go, will i think of them all the time like i do now? even if i could let go, would it be the right thing? but i have no idea how to let go even if i wanted to.

i don’t know. i feel so selfish asking for prayer for me, when it isn’t me who has lost someone. that’s why i haven’t brought it up before now. but i just can’t keep it in anymore.

i don’t know what to do about these feelings. i don’t know where to turn. when i pray about it, it seems so pointless somehow. God didn’t listen when we asked Him to heal knox…why would he heal this pain?

little boy with golden curls and eyes so deep deep blue,

when i watch my little boys play somehow i always think of you.

why did you leave us? why so soon? why could nothing be done?

why did a mommy as great as yours lose her precious son?

why didn’t God hear our cries? why didn’t he make you well?

where do we turn now, where do we go? and don’t say time will tell.

i miss you knox, though we never met. i long to hold you tight.

please give your mommy a kiss, dear knox, i think she needs one tonight.

First of all, I would like to remind you that being a Christian does not make ANYONE perfect. Christians are still human, we still sin, we still fall down and get back up again. The only difference is, we have Christ in our lives so we are not alone, and we strive to follow Him as best we can. BUT WE STILL FAIL. If you are coming here to look at me as an example, please don’t. I fail often, and have made many mistakes. But I love the Lord with all my heart, and try to please Him.

I have been a Christian for a long time. I grew up in a Christian family, and learned of Jesus from the time I was a baby.

The Lord has given me soooooo much in my life! I would be nothing and have nothing without His blessings.

I am what is called a “Grace Dispensationalist”. I myself am still learning that this is what you call what I’ve always believed! I will be updating this page when I have more time to go into detail. For now, I am posting various thoughts, along with the Statement of faith from Grace Online. I agree with almost everything they said, and didn’t post what I disagree with.

The following is what I believe regarding the Bible and Christianity:

1. THE BIBLE: The Bible is the word of God. “Given by inspiration of God” it is not the product of human imagination or creativity. (II Timothy 3:16) I believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God, perfect and true in every aspect.
2. GOD & JESUS: The Godhead eternally exists in three persons: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. I believe in the trinity. God is a triune being as he has made us to be also: Soul, body & spirit. (Genesis 1:26) Jesus Christ is God manifest in the flesh; the image of the invisible God. (John 1:1-18) I believe Jesus is the physical presence of the invisible God and is therefore God incarnate. (John 1:1) I believe the gospel of Christ, that is: that Jesus was born of a virgin (Mary), lived a sinless life, suffered on the cross (in place) for me, died on the cross for the sins of thw world, was buried, rose again on third day, fulfilling the prophecies concerning the Messiah, was visible for forty days (teaching the disciples), and then ascended into heaven where He sits on the right hand of God interceding for the saints (Believers).
3. SIN: All men are sinners by nature and are unable to save themselves from the debt and penalty of their sins by anything they can do. (Romans 1:18-3:20)
4. SALVATION: I believe to become a Christian, a believer, (to be saved) you must accept the gift of His death and ressurection. We are saved by His grace, through faith, not by what we do, so none of us can claim responsibility for our salvation. God, out of His great love for us, has provided complete redemption through Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection in our place. He offers to justify anyone freely by His grace through faith in Christ as one’s all-sufficient Savior. (Romans 3:21-26) Faith in Christ is the issue of trusting exclusively in His redemptive work on the cross for one’s acceptance with God and not in any of one’s own works of any kind. This act of faith is the decision of one’s own will in response to the gospel of Christ. The purpose of God in election declares that it is the plan of God to provide salvation for all men, but in accordance with men’s own free will, to save those that believe.
5. ETERNAL SECURITY: I believe that salvation is eternal (I am eternally secure in my salvation) and that nothing I do can ever revoke my salvation (John 3:16, 1 John 5:11-13, 1 Peter 3:18). Salvation is not something that can be lost or given back at anytime, no matter what! (John 6:40, John 10:28-29) Eternally secure salvation is the possession of all who trust the Lord Jesus Christ as their Savior. (Romans 5:1-21)
6. JUDGMENT: Everlasting punishment is the lot of all those who know not God and obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. (II Thessalonians 1:7-9)
7. THE UNIQUE APOSTLESHIP OF PAUL: The present dispensation of the grace of God was a “mystery,” not made known before, but God kept it hid in Himself until He raised up the apostle Paul. To Paul God committed the revelation of “the mystery of Christ.” Until God raised up Paul, His program and dealings with Israel were in effect. (Romans 16:25-27; Ephesians 2:11-3:12; Colossians 1:24-27)
8. THE CHURCH, THE BODY OF CHRIST: The church the body of Christ being formed in this dispensation of grace is distinct from the nation of Israel and God’s program with them. The church is not the subject of prophecy nor the fulfiller of Israel’s promises and covenants. (Romans 11:1-36)
9. THE RAPTURE: This dispensation of grace will end with the rapture of the body of Christ. I believe when Christ returns, it will be to Rapture His Church (those who are believers), and following will be the Tribulation. It will be followed by the resumption of God’s program and dealings with Israel, including the Lord’s day of wrath and the kingdom reign of Christ on this earth. (I Thessalonians 4:13-5:10; II Thessalonians 2:1-17) Being a believer entitles me to a right in the Lord’s eternal Kingdom, which is His new heaven.
10. BAPTISMS: Of all the different kinds of baptisms spoken about in the Bible, only one is of any importance to God, or has any application, in this present dispensation of His grace. That baptism is the one God Himself performs when the Spirit of God baptizes the believer “into Jesus Christ” at the moment of salvation, so identifying the believer with Christ in His death, burial, and resurrection. Water baptisms in particular are “rudiments of the world” that functioned in accordance with the elementary purification, separation, and identification teachings of the Law Covenant, and as such were a natural part of God’s program and dealings with Israel. As described in I Corinthians 1, at the beginning of this dispensation of grace in connection with testifying to Israel outside of their land, the Apostle Paul used water baptisms on certain occasions as a sign to unbelieving Israel. With the exception of this limited use, water baptisms have no role or function in this present dispensation of grace.

To become a Christian yourself, please Read number 4 again. If you would like some prayer and/or advice, feel free to email me.