i thought it was over. the worst was thursday. friday was ok. saturday was uninteresting - no cramps or bleeding to speak of; just a bit of blood tinged spotting again. sunday morning was the same, but late afternoon, i started getting heavy cramps again, accompanied with heavier bleeding. what is UP?! i called the dr and he was on vacation. i was told that no one ever sent over my numbers, so she said she’d get them for me. they ended up being 1447. not down enough for the dr to be pleased, so he was thinking maybe we might have to do a D&C afterall. he said to wait until friday to get my beta levels checked again though.

today i was getting breakfast for the boys, and felt somethings strange in my pad. i went to the bathroom, and found something in between the pad and my underwear. it was nearly round, about the size of the fingerprint size of my thumb, and had a stringy thing attached. it looked like a bloody sac. so that’s what i assumed it was. why it took that long for it to come out, i’ll never know.

i did open it. i wanted to know so badly if a baby was in it or not. i couldn’t see anything that resembled a baby, but i’m really not sure how much like a baby a 5 week old embryo looks? but anyway, i actually threw it away, not knowing what to do with it. then i got it back out of the trash and put it in a ziplock baggy. i couldn’t bear it being in there…besides, i wondered if the dr might want it.

i didn’t call the dr until later, and the nurse called me back and said the dr wanted to have it. so i got my shower and took it over there. now i guess i’ll wait for whatever results he finds. maybe it will be my closure?? who knows.

i still go in on friday for my betas, to make sure things are going down as they should now. please be praying with me about this. i really REALLY don’t want to do a D&C. it just terrifies me for some reason.

thanks so much for all your prayer and support. it means so much to me.

it’s been in the background because of the loss of sprout, but the digiscrap store is open, in case anyone is interested. i’m putting up a special blinkie about a new thing we’re doing this friday night - it’s called a speed scrap crop. i’m copying what crystal wrote about it since i don’t think you can read over there without signing up first.

There will be a prize bonus scrap kit ‘ Frosted Meadow’ to all who complete the challenge and a bonus prize pack also. I love these challenges and I hope that you do too or will come on and try one, I think they are a blast! See you all on Friday night.

What you need: about two-two and a half hours of time set aside.

1.) Sign into the forum here 15 minutes before the speed scrap.
(there will be a new thread.)
2). Have your scrapping software open and ready to create.
3.) Have your photos, digital scrapping papers and elements ready to dig through your stash.
4.) Follow the directions as to what to include on your page one step at a time.
5.) We will give an additional hour to complete your LO and have it uploaded to the gallery.
6.) Prizes given.
7.) then we all leave love for our speedy creations!

well the ultrasound showed absolutely nothing. i’m pretty sure the majority of things were lost yesterday, as it was the most painful day with the most bleeding and clots…the dr still had me take the blood test to make sure my numbers are going down like they should be. if not, i’ll have to get a d&c, but we’re hoping that i can finish on my own.

i still don’t know what to feel…i thought for sure seeing the u/s would help bring closure, but i still don’t feel i can cry it all out yet. i don’t know what i’m waiting for. please pray for me, as i don’t want to keep this in me and not let it be real.

he said i can “try” again after a full cycle. he said if i wanted, i could count this is a cycle, but i’m not going to. he also said my body is very healthy, and it’s good that it expelled this because it means my body is working and knows what’s going on. he is assuming it was an empty sac and that no embryo ever made it in there. i’m not sure what i think about that…in a way it makes me feel better knowing that no real life was lost. in another it makes me feel horrible about mourning over nothing. i don’t really know what i’m supposed to feel.

please keep praying for me. i think i’m still in a state of shock or denial of some sort. thank you for your prayers and support.

i have been in denial for a few days. it just doesn’t seem real to me…i have been waiting to see an ultrasound to know for sure. somehow i’ve been holding out hope that the baby is still there…i’ve seen and heard a few stories of pregnancies that continued just fine with similar symptoms, so i’ve been clinging to those…

but today the cramping and the bleeding (especially clots) have been even worse. really bad. so i guess it’s time to face facts and TRULY say goodbye to janoah hope…mom thought i should keep the name just “janoah” as it could be appropriate for a boy or a girl…but in my heart, this baby was a girl, so i want to name her a girly name.

i still don’t think i’ll be able to fully greive until i see that ultrasound. i’m such a visual person, i just don’t know how else i can face it. at church today, everyone who knew was asking “how are you doing?” - how do you respond to that, honestly? i told most of the people that i was in denial, that it wasn’t real yet.

i feel like i should be crying all the time, yet i feel completely numb…even dead inside. i can’t quite get ahold of my emotions. i have absolutely no patience and the main emotion that keeps coming out is anger…so perhaps it’s a process i need to go through…

it’s been interesting, heartbreaking and even funny to talk to the boys about this. jeremiah, at almost five, was soooo excited about the new baby. he immediately told everyone he could at church last sunday…and he’s the one who nicknamed baby “Sprout”. when i told him about the baby being dead, he cried. i tried to explain that the baby was in heaven now. he analytically asked me “so, does God have to cut your head off to get the baby out of your belly to take to heaven or what?” “no honey that’s not quite how it works…” “GOOD!” ah children. i told josiah about it the other day, but it went right over his head until today, when he came into the bathroom and noticed the blood…he asked why it was there and i told him because the baby was dying out of mama and that was the blood…he got really upset and said that he was Bibleman and that he would save my baby. :*( i told him that it was too late, that the baby was gone and that no one could save her. that she was with Jesus and great grandma loy and great grandpa loy now. he was still upset, and still didn’t understand, of course. he kept saying that it was ok, the baby would be here soon…and i kept telling him that no, the baby would only be in heaven, and we would see her in heaven someday…finally he said, “it’s ok, we already have a baby - jamin. so Jesus can have the other baby”. :*( i told him that mama still wants another baby, and he got upset again, saying we didn’t need anymore babies. i am pretty sure he was scared that more babies might mean mama has more blood…but i’m not quite sure.

well just typing this has been taxing for me…thank you so much to everyone who has written here, via email, via facebook…you are all so sweet and wonderful. i have gotten many forms of support from you all…it’s amazing and so heartbreaking how many people miscarriage affects.

some of you will have noticed the song “glory baby” i posted on my facebook. it has already brought be tears of cleansing pain…

Glory Baby - Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

i found another song that means so much to me, even more now, that helped me give janoah her middle name “hope”.

With Hope - Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you’ve gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but …

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
‘Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
‘Cause we believe with hope
(There’s a place by God’s grace)
There’s a place where we’ll see your face again
We’ll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God’s plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father’s smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
‘Cause now you’re home
And now you’re free, and …

We have this hope as an anchor
‘Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so …

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

one of the names that i’d liked a long time ago for a girl is janoah. since i really like michael w smith’s song “hello, goodbye” about a baby named noah, i thought it was appropriate to name this baby janoah…

Where’s the Navigator of your destiny?
Where is the Dealer of this hand?
Who can explain life and its brevity
‘Cause there is nothing here that I can understand

You and I have barely met
And I just don’t want to let go of you yet

Chorus:

Janoah, hello, goodbye
I will see you on the other side
Janoah, sweet child of mine
I will see you on the other side

And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face
Heaven calls for you before it calls for me
When you get there, save me a place

A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just a while

Chorus

———–

i have felt sympathy for my friends who have lost babies. but i don’t think i ever truly understood. the pain is excruciating. if it weren’t for the precious boys i have here who need me, i would want to just curl up in a ball and die, to go be with janoah and Jesus. there are no real words to explain how i feel.

the cramping is much worse, though still not to the pain level of a normal menstrual cycle. the bleeding is the same as a menstrual cycle, with some clots. the HCG levels did not rise like they should have. the first was 1, 880 and the second was only 1, 968.

good bye, sweet janoah. but how can it be a good bye, when i never even got to meet you? to see your sweet face? to hold you and kiss you?

at first i wasn’t sure…

i didn’t think i was ready for another baby

but then i was so excited to meet you

to hold you, kiss you, hug you

i loved you already…

then i thought i might lose you

and i was devestated and crushed

but i still held out hope

well now i know you’re leaving

you may already be gone…

and i miss you so much,

my sweet baby girl

i will always hold a place for you

in my heart, my child

i love you, janoah.

still no news!!

he did an ultrasound and we saw the little sac that measured 5 weeks two days. we didn’t see an embryo, but he told me that often this early is too early to pick it up. so he wants to keep my appointment on tuesday to do another ultrasound. also, he sent me for blood work today to test my HCG levels, and i’ll need to do them again in 48 hours. this is to see if the levels are going where they should be with a healthy pregnancy. so far not any more blood than before. just tinged in the mucous sometimes…still small cramping, nothing huge, but still concerning.

please continue to pray…

i’m concerned, as i’ve been having a bit of bloody mucus, and some cramping. also, my nausea seems to be gone. while this would be great, with those other things, it doesn’t add up to a healthy baby sprout. so i’m trying to hope for the best…but expect the worst.

please pray with me. selfishly, i’m not sure how i would handle the loss of a baby. i already love sprout.

yes, i found out today (because i was feeling so “pregnancy sick” i thought i might as well take the test i had lying around)

no, jerry isn’t over the shock yet

yes, i’m already taking zofran

no, we weren’t trying

no, we weren’t NOT trying

no, i don’t feel ready

yes, i feel really sick and have already vomited all internal organs necessary for survival

yes, i am getting excited

yes, the boys are thrilled

please keep us in your prayers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!