Busy Being Blessed

do you ever have so much in your heart to say that you just can’t make yourself sit down and say it?

i am grieving. i am grieving deeply for a little boy that i never met in person.

i can act like i’m fine, most of the time. i can pretend that i’m ok. but i am teetering. even when taking half a lexapro a day, i feel like i’m going to slip into full-blown depression at any moment.

i know it’s partly because of my pregnancy hormones that i’m taking this so hard. but i also know that’s not all.

when i see josiah, i think of knox. he is only a few months older than knox. when i see jeremiah, i think of jack, knox’s big brother. jack is 12 days older than jeremiah.

i watch them together, and i think of their mom. how could rachel see her two precious sons play together, day in, day out, then all the sudden watch just one son? i feel a stab of guilt. why do i still have both of my precious boys, but she has only one left?

i know it has nothing to do with me. i am not responsible. no one is. i have no right to be angry with God, either. these things happen. it is a sinful world, and these things just happen.

yet i just can’t wrap my head or heart around it. this beautiful, lively, sweet, fun, precious little boy is gone. if i couldn’t hold and snuggle and play with my josiah anymore, what would i do? i am already in despair over someone else’s child’s death. what would i do if it was my child?

and i think i don’t trust God like i thought i did. because i am always worried that something will happen to one of my kids now. i am always thinking one of the boys are going to be badly hurt, or worse, that one of them will die. i am constantly thinking that something will happen to the baby, and i’ll lose him. i keep thinking that if a great, wonderful, loving, trusting mom like rachel can lose her child, then i can too, because i don’t seem to know what to think or do anymore.

i’m scared. i’m scared of how i’m feeling. i don’t want to feel this way. i want to be able to let go. but i also want to be able to pray for rachel and her family all the time. if i let go, will i think of them all the time like i do now? even if i could let go, would it be the right thing? but i have no idea how to let go even if i wanted to.

i don’t know. i feel so selfish asking for prayer for me, when it isn’t me who has lost someone. that’s why i haven’t brought it up before now. but i just can’t keep it in anymore.

i don’t know what to do about these feelings. i don’t know where to turn. when i pray about it, it seems so pointless somehow. God didn’t listen when we asked Him to heal knox…why would he heal this pain?

little boy with golden curls and eyes so deep deep blue,

when i watch my little boys play somehow i always think of you.

why did you leave us? why so soon? why could nothing be done?

why did a mommy as great as yours lose her precious son?

why didn’t God hear our cries? why didn’t he make you well?

where do we turn now, where do we go? and don’t say time will tell.

i miss you knox, though we never met. i long to hold you tight.

please give your mommy a kiss, dear knox, i think she needs one tonight.