did you see that, on the side? jamin knows my voice! isn’t that so cool to think about?!

thank you all for praying for me. i honestly feel it. i am not doing “better” really, but am reminding myself daily that the Lord has not let me down. i know these things just happen. the only other time that my faith was really shaken was during my battle with infertility. and i have to say, this hit me harder than even that. just knowing that He will never leave my side, even when i’m not sure He’s there, means the world.
please continue to pray for rachel and her whole family. i know that if this affects me like this, she must be hurting really badly.

when i am really stressed or depressed, i find lots of comfort in digital scrapbooking. it makes me feel better to work on pics of the boys when they were tiny, to journal or re-read journal entries…so i have been doing a LOT of digiscrapping the past few weeks. i need to upload the layouts to the gallery. i will post when they are up.

i can’t believe my little niece is going to be one next month!! time just flies. i know i say that a lot, but it really amazes me. i was looking at her newborn pics, and just knowing what she looked like a few weeks ago - you can’t even tell she’s the same girl! she’s such a big girl now (well she’s actually tiny like her mom, but ykwim!).

anyone watching season finales lately? i have to say american idol upset me the other night. even tho i don’t vote, so i really don’t have much say in the matter, melinda should have one this year. she was totally robbed! enough about that or i’ll get angry lol.

lost and heroes are two other favorites. and to be TOTALLY honest, medium and supernatural are another two of my favorites. i can’t believe they’ll all be (or already are) over soon. i just heard that lost is going to run for 3 more years. how many babies will they have for little aaron’s character, i wonder? he’s been a few months old for a few years now. LOL.

well that’s it for now i guess…thanks again for your prayers!!!

do you ever have so much in your heart to say that you just can’t make yourself sit down and say it?

i am grieving. i am grieving deeply for a little boy that i never met in person.

i can act like i’m fine, most of the time. i can pretend that i’m ok. but i am teetering. even when taking half a lexapro a day, i feel like i’m going to slip into full-blown depression at any moment.

i know it’s partly because of my pregnancy hormones that i’m taking this so hard. but i also know that’s not all.

when i see josiah, i think of knox. he is only a few months older than knox. when i see jeremiah, i think of jack, knox’s big brother. jack is 12 days older than jeremiah.

i watch them together, and i think of their mom. how could rachel see her two precious sons play together, day in, day out, then all the sudden watch just one son? i feel a stab of guilt. why do i still have both of my precious boys, but she has only one left?

i know it has nothing to do with me. i am not responsible. no one is. i have no right to be angry with God, either. these things happen. it is a sinful world, and these things just happen.

yet i just can’t wrap my head or heart around it. this beautiful, lively, sweet, fun, precious little boy is gone. if i couldn’t hold and snuggle and play with my josiah anymore, what would i do? i am already in despair over someone else’s child’s death. what would i do if it was my child?

and i think i don’t trust God like i thought i did. because i am always worried that something will happen to one of my kids now. i am always thinking one of the boys are going to be badly hurt, or worse, that one of them will die. i am constantly thinking that something will happen to the baby, and i’ll lose him. i keep thinking that if a great, wonderful, loving, trusting mom like rachel can lose her child, then i can too, because i don’t seem to know what to think or do anymore.

i’m scared. i’m scared of how i’m feeling. i don’t want to feel this way. i want to be able to let go. but i also want to be able to pray for rachel and her family all the time. if i let go, will i think of them all the time like i do now? even if i could let go, would it be the right thing? but i have no idea how to let go even if i wanted to.

i don’t know. i feel so selfish asking for prayer for me, when it isn’t me who has lost someone. that’s why i haven’t brought it up before now. but i just can’t keep it in anymore.

i don’t know what to do about these feelings. i don’t know where to turn. when i pray about it, it seems so pointless somehow. God didn’t listen when we asked Him to heal knox…why would he heal this pain?

little boy with golden curls and eyes so deep deep blue,

when i watch my little boys play somehow i always think of you.

why did you leave us? why so soon? why could nothing be done?

why did a mommy as great as yours lose her precious son?

why didn’t God hear our cries? why didn’t he make you well?

where do we turn now, where do we go? and don’t say time will tell.

i miss you knox, though we never met. i long to hold you tight.

please give your mommy a kiss, dear knox, i think she needs one tonight.

spymuhmahn.

yep, pretty easy, right? josiah’s word for spiderman!!!

you may notice a new gallery link on the sidebar. i’m still working on it, slowly but surely, but soon it will have all my digiscrap layouts in it, and also some of my favorite pics of our family.

i have been REALLY tired lately. i feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day for anything! hard to believe i’m ONLY 24 weeks along. i feel like i’m in the home stretch, but i’m not there yet. lol.

oh i have a question for you. what do you think oppaluss means?

any guesses???

why, it’s josiah’s new word for octopus, of course. yesterday, he brought the toy octopus over to me saying “‘ere you go, oppaluss!!!!” when he fell off the desk, “oh no oppaluss, you otaaaay?!” how cute is he?!

well that’s it for now. i guess we’ll save the major babbling for another day, huh? hope everyone is well.

insert rolling eyes emoticon.

for those of you who noticed, the site was down for a few days. i had installed an “easy” gallery, and in doing so, the blog, store and everything else were unviewable. i finally just deleted the dumb gallery this morning, and what do you know, everything is working again now.

i don’t have time now, but i have wanted to do a lot of babbling. so i’ll be back later.